It’s not always easy to ask for help in your relationship. From what I’ve seen in my work with couples, most people don’t come to therapy because things are falling apart; they come because something just doesn’t feel right. Maybe the communication feels off. Maybe trust has been shaken. Or maybe you’re going through the motions and feeling more like roommates than partners.

Whatever brings you in, couples therapy isn’t about picking sides or pointing fingers. It’s about slowing things down, learning to listen in a new way, and figuring out how to get back on the same team.

Starting Feels Vulnerable—and That’s Completely Normal

Sitting down for your first session can feel overwhelming. You might wonder if you will be judged, blamed, or if the therapist will side with your partner. Don’t fret, these kinds of worries are completely normal. In fact, most couples begin therapy with a mix of hope, fear, and maybe even a little resentment.

Here’s what I want you to know: couples therapy isn’t about blame. It’s about patterns. The goal isn’t to find a “bad guy” in the relationship; it’s to figure out how you both get caught in the same old cycles and how to step out of them together.

Sue Johnson (2008), who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, puts a big focus on emotional safety. That’s the foundation for real change. When both partners feel safe to open up and know they’ll be heard, not judged, healing becomes possible.

What Actually Happens in the Room?

At first, therapy might feel a little awkward. You’re being asked to talk about things you’ve probably been avoiding for a while. But over time, that starts to shift. One of my roles as a therapist is to help you notice the patterns you’ve been stuck in and gently guide you toward doing things differently.

John Gottman and Nan Silver (2015) talk about the “Four Horsemen” that often show up in distressed relationships: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. If these sound familiar, you’re not alone. These behaviors are common but that doesn’t mean they have to be permanent.

In therapy, we’ll practice different ways of showing up for each other. That might look like using “I” statements instead of blame, learning to pause before reacting, or trying to really hear what your partner is saying, especially in tough moments. It’s not always easy, but these small shifts can make a big difference.

Why Trusting the Process Matters

Couple’s therapy can help do more than solve problems; it can help rebuild connection. Life can bury the closeness you once shared under stress, resentment, or just the daily grind. Therapy helps you unearth the shared dreams, values, and stories that brought you together in the first place.

Johnson (2008) reminds us that it’s the emotional bond between partners that keeps a relationship strong, especially when things get hard. When you can turn toward each other for comfort and support, instead of pulling away, you begin to rebuild that foundation of trust.

And it’s not just about the relationship—according to Lebow and colleagues (2012), evidence-based couples therapy often leads to improvements in overall well-being for both individuals. Feeling safe and connected in your relationship has ripple effects on your emotional health.

What You Can Start Doing Now

• Set shared goals. Whether you’re working on communication, intimacy, or reducing conflict, having a shared vision gives you a starting point.
• Practice active listening. I usually describe this as playing the game Telephone, like we did in elementary school. Try repeating back what your partner said before responding. It might feel a little awkward at first, but it can shift a conversation from reactive to connected.
• Schedule regular check-ins. Even 10–15 minutes a week to check in on how you’re feeling in the relationship can make a difference.
• Give the homework a shot. Therapists often assign small exercises to practice outside of session. It might feel weird at first, but it’s how new habits form.
• Be patient with yourself and each other. Rebuilding trust and connection takes time. There will be ups and downs. That’s part of the process.

If You’re Still Unsure Where Things Are Headed…

Not all couples come to therapy sure they want to stay together and that’s okay. Therapy isn’t just for saving relationships, it can also help you find clarity. Sometimes that clarity leads to reconnection. Other times, it helps couples part ways more peacefully, with greater understanding and less hurt.

No matter what happens, therapy offers a safe space for honesty, healing, and growth for both of you.

Final Thoughts

It’s more than just showing up for a weekly session; real change takes effort outside the therapy room, too. It means choosing to show up for each other in different ways: to listen, communicate honestly and openly, and reconnect with what matters most. It might feel hard at first. That’s normal. But meaningful change can happen if you’re willing to trust the process, take small steps, and lean into the work.

If you’re feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, or stuck, you’re not alone. You don’t have to figure it out on your own. Taking that first step is brave, and it could be the beginning of something better.

Author: Rusty Haun
Rusty Haun (he/him) is a graduate student studying Marriage and Family Therapy at
Northwestern University. He received his bachelor’s degree in Biology from the University of
North Carolina at Asheville.

Sources:

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
• Lebow, J., Chambers, A. L., Christensen, A., & Johnson, S. M. (2012). Research on the Treatment of Couple Distress.