Three Parenting Tips From a Psychologist (That Actually Work)

Parenting is one of the most rewarding, and most exhausting, jobs in the world. Most parents I work with aren’t looking for a complete overhaul of how they raise their kids. They’re looking for small, practical shifts that make everyday life a little smoother. The good news? A few evidence-based strategies can make a surprisingly big difference. Here are three I come back to again and again, both in my practice and in conversations with parents who are doing their very best.

(Watch Blair’s Video For Professional Tips)

One – Catch Them Being Good!

Catch Them Being Good We are wired to notice problems. It’s a survival instinct; our brains are on alert for what’s going wrong so we can fix it. In parenting, this often translates to a pattern that’s easy to fall into without even realizing it: we respond loudly to the behavior we don’t want, and we stay quiet when things are going well. The trouble is, attention is one of the most powerful reinforcers for children. Whatever gets noticed, gets repeated. So when the majority of a child’s interactions with a parent happen in the context of correction, “stop that,” “don’t do that,” “how many times have I told you,” children learn, implicitly, that misbehavior is the most reliable way to get a parent’s attention and engagement. Positive reinforcement flips this dynamic. The idea is simple: when you see your child doing something you want to encourage, name it out loud. Not a vague “good job,” but something specific. “I noticed you shared your snack with your sister; that was really kind.” “You sat down to do your homework without me having to ask. I appreciate that.” “You got frustrated just now and you kept it together. That’s not easy.”

Specificity matters for two reasons. First, it tells the child exactly what they did right, which means they know what to repeat. Second, it communicates that you are genuinely paying attention, not just managing them, but actually seeing them. That feeling of being seen is deeply meaningful to children of all ages.

This doesn’t mean ignoring problematic behavior or pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. It means deliberately rebalancing the ratio of positive to corrective interactions. Research in both clinical and educational settings consistently shows that this shift, catching kids being good, leads to more of the behavior you want and less of what you don’t.

Two – You Set the Tone

Here’s something that often lands differently when parents hear it for the first time: your emotional state is contagious. Not metaphorically; neurologically. Children, especially young ones, are exquisitely tuned to the emotional signals of the adults around them. Through a process called co-regulation, their nervous systems literally synchronize with yours.

When you’re calm, your child has a biological scaffold to feel calm too. When you’re anxious, rushed, or dysregulated, your child’s nervous system picks that up, often before a single word is spoken. This is why children can sense tension in the house even when adults think they’re hiding it well. They’re not reading minds; they’re reading bodies, voices, and energy.

This has real implications for how we approach parenting moments, especially the hard ones. When a child is melting down, the instinct is often to match their urgency: to speak faster, louder, and with more intensity. But that typically escalates rather than de-escalates. What a dysregulated child needs most is a regulated adult. Your calm is not passive; it’s one of the most active and powerful things you can offer.

Practically, this means tending to your own emotional state as a genuine parenting strategy. That might look like taking a breath before you walk through the door after a hard day. It might mean pausing before you respond to a tantrum, or stepping out of a heated moment for 60 seconds to reset. It might mean being honest with yourself when you’re running on empty and asking for support.

You don’t have to be perfectly calm all the time; that’s not realistic, and modeling the occasional frustration followed by repair is actually healthy for children to witness. But the more you can regulate yourself, the more you help your child develop the capacity to regulate themselves. It’s one of the most important gifts you can give them, and it starts with you.

3 – The Empathy + Boundary Recipe

This is the one that tends to change things the fastest for families who try it. The formula is straightforward: empathy first, boundary second. But the difference it makes is anything but small.

Here’s what it usually looks like without the empathy piece: a child wants something they can’t have, a parent says no, the child protests, the parent repeats the no (louder), and the situation escalates. The boundary may eventually hold, but not without a fight, and not without the child feeling dismissed, which often fuels the protest in the first place.

Children, like adults, don’t just want to get what they want. They want to feel understood. When a child’s feelings are acknowledged, their nervous system tends to settle, and they become more capable of hearing what a parent needs them to hear. Skipping over the feeling and going straight to the limit often backfires, because the child is still stuck in the emotional experience and can’t yet access the rational processing needed to accept the limit.

The recipe works like this: name the feeling, then hold the boundary. “I know you really want to keep playing, and it’s time for dinner.” “I can see you’re disappointed we’re not getting that toy today, and the answer is still no.” “That sounds really frustrating. We’re still leaving in five minutes.”

Notice the word “and” rather than “but.” This is intentional. “But” subtly cancels out everything that came before it; it signals that the empathy was a preamble, a softening technique, rather than a genuine acknowledgment. “And” holds both things as true at the same time: your feeling is valid, and this limit is real.

It’s also worth saying clearly: empathy is not the same as giving in. You can hear a child fully, reflect their feelings accurately, and still hold the boundary completely. In fact, children often accept limits more readily when they feel genuinely understood. The goal is not to make the child happy about the limit; it’s to make sure they feel respected in the process of encountering it.

A Final Note

None of these tips require perfection. You won’t catch every positive behavior, regulate every moment, or land the empathy-plus-boundary response every single time. That’s not the goal. The goal is to shift the patterns gradually, to make these approaches your default over time, rather than occasional tools you pull out in a crisis.

Even one of these, practiced consistently, can change the texture of your family’s daily life. And if you’re already doing some of this and it’s working? You’re more capable than you think.

Parenting is hard. Doing it thoughtfully, the way you are by reading this, already puts you ahead.

Article & Video Content by: Blair Hamel, PsyD, CEO

Blair Hamel, PsyD is a Licensed Psychologist and CEO at Matone Counseling in Asheville and Charlotte. She earned her doctorate in psychology from Pacific University (Portland, OR) and her bachelor’s degree from University of Portland (Portland, OR). She has completed a multitude of trainings since her schooling in the interest of better helping her clients, including SPACE training, ACT therapy training, and Gottman training.

With a decade of experience helping children, adolescents, adults, and couples, Blair strives to help her clients grow through the challenges life throws at us. Blair’s therapeutic approach is entirely client-centered and tailored to what will be most effective for each person. This means she is flexible in her approach and adapts to the style that is best for the client. This can include utilizing a variety of therapy models including cognitive-behavioral therapy, attachment-focused therapy, and psychoanalytic therapy. Blair’s primary goal in treatment is for clients to feel empowered and to become better versions of themselves. Blair is aware that therapy is effective only when clients feel comfortable and safe, thus she aims to provide a warm environment that facilitates growth.

Blair offers both individual and couples therapy. She has a multitude of experience helping with a variety of difficulties including: anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, behavioral disorders, life transitions, postpartum issues, intellectual disabilities, autism spectrum disorders, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, parent-child relationship issues, and relationship struggles. That said, Blair is a strong believer in the idea that therapy can be helpful for anyone, no matter the reason for engaging in treatment. She has experience helping families with very young children and adults alike. This experience across the lifespan allows Blair to connect with a variety of clients on a genuine level. Blair is also pleased to offer the ability to conduct psychological assessments, including intelligence and achievement testing, or differential diagnosis testing, for all ages. Additionally, Blair has specialized training in the infant mental health population (ages 0 to 6). Blair understands that simply beginning treatment can be a challenge when life feels hard, and she is ready to assist you and join in your personal journey of growth.